Hello Best Beloveds
I have struggled with the pull ( to be there with Jan)
And the clearness of her desire
To not have me there.
Clearly marked…
The “keep out signs” posted on her door.
She has a delightful toughness these days.
It’s kind of an act
But she means business.
And when she is ready – she will
Push away from the dock
Without anyone witnessing-
Yanking to life- the motor on her boat
And letting it rip.
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Restless spirit- “Can you sit down?”
“No” she shouted
As if I were to blame
‘What is it” I asked
And in the distance I heard
The sound of someone pacing the floor
As if waiting for a birth
Back and forth in measured time
“Oh” I whispered
This is about Jan
Her breath shallow- her wants small
Her approaching death is a quiet and holy thing
A launching – laughter-
It’s a bit of everything.
Or as my dad used to say-
“It’s not easy getting in
and it’s not easy getting out”
When the handsome boatman asked me-
“Are you married”
And I said “Yes- for 52 years”
Talk about a bucket of cold water….
Willow interpreted my dream- saying
We are all the things
All of the time-
Old and young- Married and Unmarried
Dreams-urge exploration-
Having left all context-
Jumping into the unknown-
“I wonder what Sally will do”
So do I?
They are fast- the old roof – torn up and tossed
Under a blue sky- this team of young men
Will spend their day- in motion
Making “It” happen-
John is up there too-
We have been preparing for this day
Ever since the hail storm
Damaged the roof and the insurance co-
Said …Go for it.
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Can I be as willing
To allow this new thing in me-
To blossom..
The one that is keeping me awake at night
Wrestling with angels
Calling on angels
Even as I fight them,
Hello Best Beloveds
Trusting in the invisible – more
What a good choice-
Empting the bucket- so that it can be filled.
My friend Ann’s dad is in a local nursing facility
A charming rancher- always with the land-
So it was my joy when she picked out a painting
For his room-
The paintngs is mostly empty space
Which what I like about it.
So empty- why is this what makes me happy?
``````````````````````
Empty my heart please-
So that so much more can come in
Like the ocean and the shore
Like the elk on ridge- his call filling the valley-
” More of everyting please”
The horse nudged my hand when I
Sallied forth- saying my truth ( horses love this)
I’d stopped brushing her –
Having suddenly felt less connection.
In this kind of therapy –
It’s all about paying attention
Our Heart to Heart connection-
(Her heart being seven times larger than my own)
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It was a love match from the beginning
But what I learned that day ( about myself)
Is that I lose the heart
By turning the love into a task….
I have often wondered why- me making dinner
Is often a disconnect with John-
And I think I have found the answer-
In the subtlety of putting down the horse brush
I can now see -instead of working at love
Just “being” with my friend ( Horse or Human)
Being with what-ever is in my heart…
With another… is love at it’s fullest.
“Hi Jan- it’s your sister Sal”
She’s going to want to get off the phone-
So I rush into my brief share- before
Like catching a firefly-
I let her go-
Back into her TVed nursing home-room
Where she is holding her own
Like a gruff ship’s captain
As I coo into her ear- for one more second.
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So many things have become clear
How she kept me from living the life she led
Because she took it on- (for me.)
I salute you Jan
As you steer your ship into safe harbor
Full to the brim of your great strength
And perseverance-my big sister!
Oh my heart
Cutest being – ever
The small black bear
On his own-
Who ate the single strawberry
By my kitchen window.
Nature provides these visitations
Giving a spiritual confirmation
A kiss ,a wave- an acknowledgement
For our connective roles
Even the ones we wish were not ours.
Can I just be a warm body too
A heart – with
No thoughts necessary
No stories to anchor reality…
A constant thread of misdirection-
The ever active mind.
But Oh No- now I will have to feel
The heart of the great mother
Weeping..
all the held in check tears
of what I have been circumnavigating
Thinking the mind was a safer bet
But at what a cost?
I’ve heard that the reason we are feeling tired
Is that we are changing from a 3 d world to a 5 d- and
It is a good time to allow – old patterns to change.
Those self concepts that are like a tight leash around the neck.
One of mine changed from listening to a monk
Lobsang Phuntsok-
A darling human- whose face tells it all-
The long journey of forgiveness
And the flowering of unconditioanl love-
But hard won
He had to pull on the roots of what he calls
His lack of feeling loved- illness-
It didn’t want to budge-but
He wanted the fullness of his life to be his
And eventually he saw that he was loved ( enough)
Just not in the way he said love would look& feel.
